“My husband is working at recovery from his addiction, but still struggles with being open and honest with me. It is very difficult for me to feel emotionally connected to my husband because of his dishonesty and fear of being vulnerable and open with me. What can I do to better cope with the situation or improve it?”
This is a very common dilemma, and is not simply answered, as I’m sure you have come to realize. First of all, you are asking the right question when you ask what YOU can do to COPE better with the situation. We need to keep in mind that it is up to your loved one to work his own program, and that we work ours. I can hear that you understand that and just need more tips on how, so here are a few ideas that have helped others:
1. Try not to ask questions that corner your loved one at vulnerable times or sound like you are trying to catch him in his addiction. You need to make an agreement between the two of you that you can ask him for reassurance, but this can also be done in a very positive way. An example may be: “I am seeing old familiar behaviors and dynamics that scare me. Could we go to a meeting and sort it out? It’s just as possible that I am leaning into my codependent tendencies, but I need some reassurance right now. I am feeling alone and scared.”
2. Explain how you are feeling and why, and then ask for what you need. Remember connection is a two way street. If your spouse is pulling away, they may not realize it. You are […]

“How do I cope and heal from the impact of my husband’s addiction when I feel like it both exacerbates my depression and also my depression makes the addiction’s impact feel worse and more stressful? I feel like my side of the situation is like a dog chasing its own tail.”
Your description of how it feels to deal with both your husband’s addiction and your own depression is a good one, and one we hear often. How do you support your addicted loved one’s healing and still get your own needs met? For many women it is important to have a separate support system. This can consist of your own 12 step work: meetings, sponsors, and working through the steps. For many wives, a therapist that understands codependency is a critical piece for them, because they need to feel heard and they need help to get to the source of the depression. Sometimes you are also depleted in the physical components that support happiness and a feeling of peace and contentment such as vitamin D, Vitamin B12 and Amino Acids. Consulting with your doctor about how to support yourself during times when you are depressed can be very powerful. A word of caution: your depression may be partially or largely due to the issues you are facing with your husband, but they may also be genetically or physically triggered. It is important that your relationship not carry the full burden of your depression if that is not really whats happening. You want to look at your physical, emotional, social and spiritual health and make some good informed decisions about how to help yourself. Living with depression is very hard and very isolating and should […]

“I’m in a less common situation where I am dating an addict rather than married to one. In a relationship where we are not living together, let alone sleeping together, discussion of a sex addiction brings up things we have not yet experienced on our own terms. I am wondering about how much disclosure I should ask for when in large part, I almost don’t want to know. Yet, it seems naive or dangerous to not ask. What should I do?”
Thank you so much for asking a very good question. It makes sense that you would be concerned about how the addiction of your loved one will affect intimacy if you decide to get married. The truth of the matter is that this is very personal to you and the man you are dating. In general, however, we can talk about how the addiction has affected others in your situation.
It is common for the woman in such a relationship to wonder if her partner is staying true to her in his thoughts when they are in an intimate situation, or if he is thinking of the pictures that may resurface in his head. She may wonder if she can live up to his “sexual paradigm” that has been altered by his addiction. It may be good for you, if you are considering marriage, to discuss sexual paradigms, boundaries, expectations, etc. It will be important for him to be willing to reassure you when you need it, and for both of you to build a strong trust in each other’s loyalty. Another common concern is that your partner may not be treating you as a woman, but as an object or toy. This is a […]

“Could you give me an example of a boundary that I could implement with my addicted husband? Would you explain how I implement it and how I follow up if the boundary is ignored?”
This is a very good question, because both of you have important needs in the relationship, and unfortunately there are times where the spouse feels it is not safe to voice her own needs. There are several reasons for this, including the fear that your addicted loved one will become upset and act out again, or that you will be blamed for being his reason for repeating his addiction. But it is a thinking error to believe that the more invisible and care taking you become, the healthier your addicted loved one will become. Take a few minutes to sit down and write out a list of your own needs and boundaries for a healthier more balanced relationship. If you have a sponsor or a therapist, or a wise friend, ask for their help so that your list can be fair and balanced. Some things you may want to have on that list may be:

I need a partner that is available to do his part in earning a living and running an orderly home.
I need a partner in parenting our children who leads out part of the time.
I need a sweetheart who values me and is kind and thoughtful to me.
I won’t lie or sneak around to cover for my […]

“I’m struggling lately because my husband does not seem interested in recovery. He says he has stopped and doesn’t like to talk about it beyond that. Up to this point, he had been active (unrestrained) for 10+ years into hard core pornography (and maybe more, I don’t feel like I have received full disclosure). He has always been caught. Each time, he has met with an ecclesiastical leader with my prompting and then says he is fine. I don’t see any changes in his behavior nor do I see him doing anything to make changes in his life. Instead I see him retreating into isolation and secrecy. We are trying to work on our relationship, but the trust issues are so severe that I just don’t feel comfortable when I don’t see him actively doing anything to get help. However, I know I can’t change him and I am not sure what to do. One of my boundaries is to leave his recovery up to him – I won’t police him or nag him or ask him questions about it, but I have told him I expect him to be honest and open with me. Deceit has been a big part of the past though and I don’t feel honesty from him. What are some example boundaries I can set to make me feel safe, even though he isn’t actively choosing recovery at all?”
As I was reading your question, I found myself wondering what your husband is doing to comfort and support you in your healing from codependency. Healing is a two way street. You mentioned that you are supporting your husband by not taking responsibility to change him, and that you want to […]