Avoiding Recovery

“I’m struggling lately because my husband does not seem interested in recovery. He says he has stopped and doesn’t like to talk about it beyond that. Up to this point, he had been active (unrestrained) for 10+ years into hard core pornography (and maybe more, I don’t feel like I have received full disclosure). He has always been caught. Each time, he has met with an ecclesiastical leader with my prompting and then says he is fine. I don’t see any changes in his behavior nor do I see him doing anything to make changes in his life. Instead I see him retreating into isolation and secrecy. We are trying to work on our relationship, but the trust issues are so severe that I just don’t feel comfortable when I don’t see him actively doing anything to get help. However, I know I can’t change him and I am not sure what to do. One of my boundaries is to leave his recovery up to him – I won’t police him or nag him or ask him questions about it, but I have told him I expect him to be honest and open with me. Deceit has been a big part of the past though and I don’t feel honesty from him. What are some example boundaries I can set to make me feel safe, even though he isn’t actively choosing recovery at all?”

As I was reading your question, I found myself wondering what your husband is doing to comfort and support you in your healing from codependency. Healing is a two way street. You mentioned that you are supporting your husband by not taking responsibility to change him, and that you want to leave his recovery up to him – and that is part of the puzzle. Another equally important part of the puzzle is what he is doing to support you in your recovery. Every secure relationship requires three important parts: safety, belonging and esteem. When these three needs are met consistently (statistics say 73% of the time) because our loved one is there to demonstrate these things vocally and through their behaviors, trust and attachment develops and becomes strong again. You are trying not to be enabling and controlling, so you need him to be open and loving, working to build up those three areas again. His addiction of the past served him as a pseudo attachment and you were inadvertently pushed aside. Healing includes him learning to be there for you and you learning to let him.

Because your husband has betrayed the trust in your marriage and expresses a desire to make the marriage work, there need to be regular check-ins that can rebuild that trust and meet those three needs for both of you. This can be a difficult process that may require therapeutic support, but support groups attended consistently for both of you is a definite must. It may feel that you are asking too much, but it is up to you to decide that you cannot live with the silence, loneliness and secrecy.

You cannot make your husband do something he doesn’t want to, but you can make a list of things you need to connect with him and begin to build trust, and ask for his help through agreements about what he is willing to do. Often, when these things are broken down into simple agreements, your addicted loved one can understand how to succeed in supporting you. Some spouses lists may look like this:

• I need us to agree to a program that both of us are committed to following each week that includes dailies, meetings, counseling or whatever we agree on.
• I need to be allowed to ask for reassurance when I am afraid that you are showing relapse behavior – or if I am just afraid.
• I need to have a companion that shares his life with me and is interested in my life.

We can accomplish this through counseling, date nights, regular check ins with each other during the day, or whatever we come up with, but we need to agree on a plan to move forward.

The hard truth is that if your husband is not willing to meet your needs, your marriage may be in worse trouble than you thought. Sitting in the silence and loneliness is no way to live. But most likely, if he understand your needs and that they are realistic, he will want to do all he can to make things comfortable for you. Many times our addicted loved one is confused about how to go about it, and/or they perceive your request as criticism. They may take your needs as reminders of their failures of the past. Try to present your list lovingly, hopefully, and without blame. One more important point: accept the comfort. Learn to be happy with his efforts as he makes them. It isn’t fun to try to reassure someone who is never comforted. If you are struggling with this, work on it in your meetings, with your sponsor or in counseling.

Both you and your husband deserve to have safety, belonging and esteem in your relationship. It’s the reason you married in the first place. Don’t give up, as the Lord has promised that he will make weak things strong unto us as we come to Him. Your marriage can become sweet again.